Week 20- Update

I apologize for the length of time between this post and the previous. Group season is in full swing and my graduate class took up some time, too. Thankfully, unless my professor says otherwise, I believe I am done with my class. Hallelujah!

This should be two posts, but instead, it will just be one semi-long rambling collection of words. You should probably just expect incoherent posts from here on out due to sleep depravation. And “here on out” is only five more weeks—how (HOW) is that possible!?

Two weeks ago, I went with a group to Casa de Esperanza. If you don’t know already, Casa is where this whole journey for me started. It was at Casa where I met and fell in love with the five brothers that I live with now. I spent two summers at Casa as an intern, caring for and loving on 18 kids. Casa is where I formed lasting relationships with people that are still in my life. Casa is the place where my understanding of God grew much deeper as kids there called me Dad.

Returning to Casa after many years was weird. It is not the same place I remember.  Kids have grown into teenagers. Some kids have left. Others have been asked to leave. Most of the workers who patiently dealt with my comical Spanish are not there anymore. It is still a place that I love to visit, but it is not the place where I left a piece of my heart.

I stood alone in the living room for a moment. I won’t lie; I became a bit emotional. A realization struck me harder than it has ever struck me thus far: leaving your heart in a place really means leaving your heart in the memories of the place. I cannot return to when I was 18, and I was singing kids to sleep. I can’t return to dancing around the living room to the same song we had already listened to 15 times. I cannot return to being asked by a kid to be her dad. This realization stung. I cannot, however, imagine my life without these memories. These memories have embedded themselves in me. They have informed decisions about my career and how I spend my time. They have shaped my understanding of love. They are a part of me. While I feel incomplete because I cannot return to these times, I also know that I am a better and fuller person because of them.

As I said, we are in full group season. Right now, David and I (when I can figure out what I am supposed to be doing) are helping with a group of over 90. These days are long. Like leave at 5:20 and return after 6 kind of long. If you know me at all, you know I am a wimp when it comes to lack of sleep, so I am sure I’m a whiny child on these days. Thursday was our first super long day, and I was done. I wanted to come home, take a shower, crawl in bed, and watch Netflix.  Unfortunately, the power was off at our house when we arrived. Usually when the power is out, the boys complain a whole lot. When life revolves around gaming or technology of some sort, losing power is pretty rough. When we got home, though, all of the boys were outside either talking or playing with one another. There was little complaining. I was shocked.

Instead of crawling in bed, I hopped on the trampoline and was soon joined by Jairo, Francisco, and Antonio. Generally, trampoline time turns into WWE time, and I don’t love it. That night, however, the boys were doing flips and trying out other crazy moves. When someone else joined us, I warned them that, “You can’t join unless you are going to do flips or break dance.” I wish this were a sentence I got to say daily! The time on this trampoline and then going and talking with some of the other boys did much more for me than watching Netflix alone.

As previously stated, I cannot believe that I am entering the end of my time here. People have been asking me if I am excited to come home. The answer is “Yes.” Others ask me if I am sad to be leaving. Again, the answer is “Yes.” I hate to make this selfish request, but I am going to: pray for me. This is going to be tough. There are definitely moments when I am ready to pack up and leave. There are other days (most days) when I cannot imagine my life where I won’t see my kids daily.